Left Behind: 8 Signs of Abandonment Issues in Relationships

“Because separation is a clearcut and undeniable event, its effects on the child and the parent-child relationship were easier to document than more subtle influences of parental and familial interaction.” – Inge Bretherton reporting on John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s work with Attachment Theory

As the quote above suggests, to experience abandonment implies a separation, specifically in the parent-child relationship, that is clear-cut and undeniable. To be abandoned leaves a specific kind of mark on the soul which points to a particular, distinguishable moment. More simply, if you have experienced abandonment, you will know it.

To discuss the reality of being or feeling abandoned is to also talk about one’s attachment style – or style of relating – which has been first and foremost influenced by our relationships with our parents. Abandonment issues have everything to do with how we attach or don’t attach, relationally to others. In this article, we will look at eight signs or symptoms that point to underlying abandonment issues in relationships.

1. An Internal Struggle with Fear Insecurity Regarding Relationships

In the realm of attachment, a child is looking to their parents to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure. At a fundamental level, the child is unable to provide these things for him/herself and must rely on their mother or father for such care.

However, if the child’s parent or caregiver is unable to provide these things, this creates a state of internal panic for the child. The child learns that their caregiver is ultimately unreliable, and he/she must make a decision: “I will separate myself from my caregiver and get my needs met elsewhere”, or “I will adjust myself to mom or dad and care for their needs, in the hopes that once they’re ok I can then get my needs met.”

From either of these internal positions, the child may begin to develop a fear or uneasiness with intimacy. (Intimacy means emotional, physical closeness, and vulnerability). The child may also develop an underlying insecurity when it comes to intimacy, becoming plagued with the need for constant reassurance in their relationship. In both cases, the fear of emotional neglect is a present and driving force.

As the child grows into adulthood this internal struggle continues. The behavioral patterns learned in childhood are now displayed primarily in romantic relationships or close friendships. Fear and insecurity are now consistent subconscious, or even unconscious, characters with major roles in each relational dynamic.

Motivated by the fear of abandonment, he or she may exhibit an inherent lack of trust for their partner or even their own friends, avoid emotional intimacy or vulnerability, overwork himself/herself to make the relationship “work”, or revert to tactics of manipulation and control to make sure their partner or friends don’t leave.

2. An Inability to Be Alone

Abandonment and intense loneliness often come as a package deal. As a result of the caregiver’s unresponsiveness to meeting the child’s needs the child must learn how to manage their fear, anxiety, or panic on their own. For a child to be left in that state on numerous occasions creates a deep connection between being alone and experiencing fear or terror.

In other words, whenever he or she is presented with the possibility of being alone, their body begins to recall the fear, anxiety, terror, and panic from being left alone in childhood. Since he or she does not want to experience that type of emotional distress ever again, they will do anything in their power to prevent themselves from being alone.

They may fill their schedule with work or social events at the detriment of their overall well-being, move quickly from one romantic partner to another hoping to find a sense of security, consume TV shows, movies, or social media content at a rapid rate to avoid sitting with their thoughts or emotions or resort to alcohol, drugs, and pornography to assuage the deep feelings of loneliness.

Again, the ultimate goal is to not feel the pain of emotional neglect. Ironically, the emotional pain we try to avoid the most is also the entry point for understanding what it is that injured us in the first place.

Running from emotional pain without dealing with it adequately eventually makes us prisoners of those very emotional experiences. Not wanting to feel these things leads to suppression. Through suppression, we deceive ourselves into believing that we are in control. In reality, our suppressed emotional experiences are the ones in charge.

3. Chronically Feeling Alone

Constantly feeling alone or lonely often carries a weight that many people cannot explain. It is an experience in and of itself. In the case of a child and his unresponsive caregiver, the child is forced to feel and experience his caregiver’s lack of presence. A person’s lack of physical presence is just as powerful as their physical presence.

Because the child-parent attachment relationship forms the child’s brain and nervous system more than any other relationship, his mother or father’s lack of presence becomes encoded into both his brain and his body. Loneliness, nor any emotional experience for that matter, is not simply a mental phenomenon. As humans, we feel with our entire body.

A person experiencing abandonment issues could be standing in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Specifically, they feel alone inside. This loneliness may often present itself as a feeling of being empty inside, an underlying feeling of sadness that a person just can’t shake, or it may even come in the form of depressive symptoms.

These feelings act as signal fires to the fact that there is something deeper going on inside. Humans are relational beings. We need one another to help develop and regulate our emotions. When our basic emotional-relational needs go unmet, deep wounds in us are often brought to the surface. Loneliness is no exception.

4. Entering Into and Maintaining Unhealthy Relationships

Experiencing abandonment, emotionally or physically, leaves a person vulnerable to the possibility of having underdeveloped relationships and relational skills. It is the responsibility of parents and caregivers to help us understand and develop relationships with others.

Author and psychiatrist Curt Thompson talks about relationships through our desire to be known, “We long to be seen, heard, and felt by the one whom we sense desires to see us, hear us, and feel what we feel.” Relationships are exactly that, a reciprocation of desire between two people, or a group of people, to be seen, heard, and felt.

A lack of development relationally presents adolescents and adults with social deficits. In this case, the deficit could lead to a consistent pattern of getting into and maintaining unhealthy relationships. As mentioned earlier an abandoned child is forced into the bind of dealing with their caregiver’s dysfunction, while also still needing to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure.

This is a biological need. Individuals who have experienced abandonment may find themselves in relational dynamics that mimic the very patterns of abandonment and neglect they are trying to get away from. When elements of abandonment get encoded into our emotional-relational templates at a young age, we tend to unconsciously search for those same themes and patterns in our adult relationships.

This is primarily due to the need for familiarity with relational dynamics. We want what is familiar to us even when it involves manipulation, control, betrayal, a lack of respect, inconsistency, lying, or other unhealthy behaviors.

5. Relational Sabotage 

Relational sabotage can present itself in many different ways. Yet, the root of it is primarily found in distrust. Abandonment wounds leave us with an implicit understanding that we cannot trust another person. Where words fall short, actions speak for themselves.

When someone is conditioned to expect inconsistency from their parents or caregiver, they are often unable to have hope for something better. Subtly, one can begin to anticipate or even look for reasons why they ought not to trust people. At this point, abandonment wounds become the teacher for how to conduct ourselves in relationships.

Herein lies the bind of those with abandonment wounds. Your heart so desperately longs for healthy, flourishing relationships, and yet you anticipate betrayal from everyone you meet. As a way to solve the problem of neglect and pain, one may seek to gain control by pushing another person toward committing the very acts of betrayal or inconsistency they are used to.

The relationship then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy ultimately leading back to the abandonment and neglect you have come to expect. The sabotage occurs through a series of behaviors all initiated by the expectation or anticipation of rejection, betrayal, inconsistency, etc. Ultimately, the goal is to have a sense of control over the pain of abandonment and neglect. The pain is too hard to feel or confront, so you must control it.

6. People Pleasing

People-pleasing tendencies and behaviors are often exhibited by those who fear abandonment from others. Going back to the parent-child attachment relationship, the child cannot rid himself of the fact that he needs his mother or father to be there for him when he is experiencing distress. He is biologically wired to seek out attachment in these instances to get back to a place of emotional stability or regulation; to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.

However, if the child learns that his mother or father is not going to be there for him, he must resort to other means of achieving emotional regulation. A way to do this, the child learns, is to become hyper-attuned or fixated on his mom or dad. He learns their needs, their wants, and their desires while sacrificing his own.

Similarly, people-pleasing behaviors show themselves in individuals who disregard their own needs to please others. This is someone who gives all of themselves to another person or group at their own expense. This person often says “yes” to things they don’t want to do. They exhibit a lack of personal boundaries.

They tell people what they want to hear to avoid conflict and rarely disagree with others. They often have trouble advocating for their wants or needs and excessively apologize. Underneath all of these behaviors is the fear of being abandoned or neglected.

A person who will do anything to maintain a relationship is likely also convinced that if they stop what they’re doing the relationship will fail. A failed relationship means experiencing the pain of abandonment again, and this person is deeply committed to not letting that happen.

7. Heightened Fear of Rejection

Along the same lines with people-pleasing, individuals who have experienced abandonment are likely to have a heightened fear of rejection in their relationships. Being rejected by a parent or primary caregiver is a particularly painful experience. It stings the heart in a way that is disorienting and confusing.

Unfortunately, what tends to happen is that the person who was rejected internalizes it and interprets the experience as “there must be something wrong with me because they rejected me.” The same is true between a child and his parents.

The experience of rejection is a powerful motivator to never be rejected again. Being motivated like this can push a person to do almost anything to be accepted, or to achieve a sense of belonging. It can lead people to become people pleasers (as mentioned above), become emotionally clingy or dependent on others to satisfy their needs, or excessively analyze their interactions with others for any possible sign that the relationship is in jeopardy.

Remember, these kinds of behaviors are to maintain an emotional-relational connection to others. However, it is often these same behaviors that push people away, ultimately triggering the pain of rejection once again.

8. Tendency to Attach to Others Too Quickly

The emotional reality of experiencing relational abandonment is a double-edged sword. First, the individual experiences the pain of not having their need to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure met.

Second, they cannot escape the reality of still needing to find a way to attach and meet those internal needs. This is just as true for children with their parents as well as adults in friendships or romantic relationships. The lack of connection deepens the desire and thirst for emotional attunement and attachment from others. As mentioned earlier, this is a biological need for survival.

The thirst for connection, while being natural, can show itself in the form of attaching oneself to others too quickly. When a person is deprived of good emotional attunement for so long they are forced to be desperate for any type of connection they can get. In desperation, the person begins to reach out for anything to quench their internal thirst. Any sign of connection will do, and when they feel it, they go all in.

A lack of social-relational skills creates in a person a lack of insight into how to conduct oneself interpersonally. Emotional connection comes over time as history is built in a relationship. Trust is earned not given. Sharing intimate details of your life also comes with time. While these principles may appear natural to some, abandonment wounds distort one’s judgment, approach, and emotional understanding toward entering into interpersonal relationships.

The inner parts of us that have experienced abandonment and neglect are tender, vulnerable, and raw. While the presence of shame, guilt, and self-contempt frequently linger here, these are the parts of our hearts that are worthy of being seen, soothed, safe, and made secure. A great place to begin exploring these places in your story is in counseling with someone who is trained to help you address the pain while moving toward wholeness.

If you are looking to move forward in any of these areas of your life, I would be honored to walk alongside you as your counselor. I am currently accepting new clients in both Green Lake and Bothell. Please reach out to me here: https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/counselors/noah-cordrey

Or you can call our Reception Team at 206.388.3929 to schedule an appointment with a provider who is right for you.