Divorce and Children: What Your Kids Want You to Know About Their Emotional Needs

No one plans on getting divorced when they say, “I do.” But life happens. Previous family-of-origin cultural norms and communication styles can tend to stand at the forefront of unresolved issues. Circumstances change, and people can grow apart, with unresolved resentment and unforgiveness. When people begin to only exist in their marriage, interactions and healthy communication will become difficult, and sometimes divorce may become unavoidable.

While divorce can be a trauma for the adults going through it, it can have an even bigger impact on the children involved. Depending on the age of the child, normally they do not have the emotional vocabulary to express their discomfort watching their parents’ struggle. Interestingly, children see and feel the uneasiness parents are experiencing but are not saying. It is true, actions do speak louder than words.

What do your children want you to know as they go through this crisis with you? Right, it is not just you and your spouse who are experiencing internal turmoil. Wouldn’t it be great if you could read your children’s minds? Understand their fears?

Then you would know how to comfort them. What to say. You’d know how to reassure them and offer hope and comfort for the upcoming changes that will require a sense of safety mentally, emotionally, and physically, so that your love will remain.

Some children may be able to express their innermost thoughts and feelings, but most lack the emotional maturity, vocabulary, and self-awareness needed to communicate their emotions truly. As a parent, you may not understand why they are acting out.

Here’s what your children may want to express to you. The letters below depict what a child may think or feel during the divorce process. Read them and consider how these thoughts and feelings may relate to your child.

I’m confused

Dear Mom and Dad,

You know what’s going on between the two of you. You know how the divorce process works, but I don’t. I don’t have the life experience you do, so the only idea of what a divorce is comes from what some of my friends say at school and a few movies I’ve seen. And it hasn’t been good.

I literally don’t know what’s going on. Attorney? Custody? These are all just foreign words to me, and I have no idea what they mean or if I even need to learn them.

All I know is that it’s really bad. I thought we had a good family. I don’t know what happened. I know you were arguing, and it was loud. Mom would cry, one of you would slam a door or leave the house, but you came back. I know you have been distant from each other, but I don’t know when you stopped loving each other. And if you can stop loving each other, what would prevent you from stopping loving me?

Love,
Your Child

Divorce is confusing, even when you’re the adult going through it. This is even more true when you’re a child who is being dragged along with no vote or power into the unknown. Not only is the situation scary, but it’s uncertain. There are many unanswered questions that the child doesn’t know to ask or is afraid to ask. They may be feeling left out or abandoned.

Even the terminology that gets tossed around during divorce proceedings can be confusing for everyone except for maybe your lawyer and the judge. Unless you’ve been through it before, you’re not likely to be an expert in divorce proceedings, so imagine how disorienting this whole new, scary world is for your child, who has even less life experience.

Take the time to talk with your child about your marriage and what is happening. Kids need honesty, but they need age-appropriate honesty. Tell them that the trouble your family is facing isn’t their fault and that you’re still figuring out the details.

Give them the child-sized version of the situation. They will appreciate your honesty. It will help to orient them. It is important to inform your children before there is a court date. You may wish to seek professional help for this step.

I need stability

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know we’re going through a transition as a family; sometimes I feel like I’m lost. I love you both, but I feel guilty sometimes. Does this mean I have to choose? This sucks. Are we still family? Probably not. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in a really bad earthquake and everything around me has fallen to the ground.

Yeah, after earthquakes, people rebuild slowly, but we are not a building; we are a family – or at least we used to be. New buildings look good, but how do you rebuild your family? What do I rebuild with? What is going to be strong enough since our family wasn’t strong enough when the earthquake hit?

With everything changing in my world, I need the tremors to stop so I can orient myself in this new life. Does this mean we have to move away from my friends, my neighborhood, or my grandparents? Please don’t make me change schools or give up my room. I need something familiar, something to hold onto when everything around me is changing.

Love,

Your Child

A change in lifestyle is practically inevitable during a divorce. Separating lives means moving into new places, changing your schedules, and editing your social circle. Just because your life is changing doesn’t mean theirs has to. It’s important not to change theirs unnecessarily. Try to maintain some semblance of normalcy for your children during this tumultuous time.

Help them maintain the good parts of their lives that they’re used to. Just because you’re angry with the in-laws doesn’t mean that you should pull your children away from the comfort of their familiarity. Just because going to a certain restaurant triggers painful memories in you doesn’t mean that you should ban your children from it.

And just because you desperately want to integrate your new love interest into your life, doesn’t mean your children are ready for it. We shouldn’t deny them the opportunity to heal. Learn to be self-aware of your internal feelings, thoughts, and reactions as well as those of your children. Each of you are experiencing grief and loss. Your grief and loss may be experienced differently, but they are experienced.

Never put your child in the position to choose sides or become a secret agent gathering information on the other parent during or after the divorce proceeding. You will be setting yourself up for more pain and discomfort.

Many parents make the unfortunate mistake of pitting their children against the other parent. It’s quite natural for humans to try to rally support in the midst of a crisis or try to convince others that their actions are justified or that they are the victim. But this is not your child’s job. Don’t make your children into soldiers, spies, or your emotional support team. They are children, and they deserve to have an uninterrupted relationship with both parents.

I need permission to express my emotions

Dear Mom and Dad,

Sometimes I feel guilty when I enjoy being with one of you. I don’t want the other person to be sad or feel left out. I don’t want to cause you more hurt. So sometimes I pretend to be less happy than I am. Sometimes I pretend to be happy when I’m not.

Please tell me it’s okay to smile, laugh, and have fun with both of you. Please tell me that loving one parent doesn’t mean that I’m betraying the other. Tell me I can cry when I feel it without upsetting you.

Love,

Your Child

Children feel responsible for protecting their parents’ feelings. They might hide joy, affection, or excitement because they think it’ll hurt the other parent. They might suppress tears so they don’t stress you out. Tell them that you’re glad when they spend time with the other parent and that you know they love you, even when they’re not with you.

Give your child permission to cry or even be angry. This allows them to be wholly invested in both parental relationships. It gives them the freedom to be authentic in their emotions and authentic with you.

Consider taking your child to a Christian therapist who will help them understand their emotions. Therapy can give them a platform to discuss how they feel without worrying about how it might affect either parent. A therapist can give them space to feel and live authentically and provide coping skills to use when things feel overwhelming.

Moving Forward

What would your child tell you as you go through a divorce? They would tell you that they want you to be happy, but they don’t want to be responsible for it. They would tell you they love you both and that they need more help than they feel they can ask for.

Divorce may change the structure of your family, but it doesn’t have to destroy your child’s life. God gave you your children as a precious gift. As their parents, it’s your job to be a good steward of that gift. Pay attention to what their actions are conveying because they don’t always have the confidence or vocabulary to verbally tell you themselves.

Help them find the help they need through therapy and reassure them that no matter what happens, God still loves them and wants to help. Put your children’s hearts first so they can emerge from the divorce with the same innocence they had before, but with more coping skills and a renewed assurance that they’re loved.

Contact our reception team today to schedule an appointment with me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online directory. You can also seek positive support through your church or Christian divorce support groups.