Tips for Dealing with Resentment in Relationships

Picture this, you have been in a relationship for quite a while now and hurtful words and actions have built up a wall of resentment, anger, and pain. It is not a pretty picture. And for some of us, it is unfortunately our reality.

The water under the bridge has become toxic. There seems to be so much wreckage tripping up meaningful progress and you have doubts that there will ever be a future filled with love and peace.

What can be done if this is the case? Be encouraged that relationships are redeemable. It is difficult, and while often professional help is required, there are many things you can do. Read through this list and see what you can implement in your relationship.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Ask yourself, how do you feel? Have a clear mind and seriously consider your emotions. Then as a first step discuss your feelings with your partner. Share with them why you feel the way you do, and how the hurt has affected you. Look to implement communication methods that help to keep the tone of the conversation constructive, even while discussing this intense topic. Both you and your partner should try your best to be honest, while watching how you express yourself.

Honesty Is the Best Policy

Resentment is not something one person in the relationship can repair. If your relationship is a glass window you and your partner look through at one another, then the resentment needs to be cleaned off it from both sides. The longer the resentment sets in, the more difficult it is to clean.

Honesty in this process gives both you and your partner the opportunity to empathize and remove the toxic sludge of resentment in relationships that seems to eat away at the glass, which when clear shows your relationship is transparent and intimate.

Work Jointly on Solutions

Resentment in relationships is a two-way street. Both parties are equally affected by it. So, pick a time and place that work for both of you, and decide on your topic. Then both of you will be able to prepare mentally for the discussion. Look at limiting your time and remaining on topic throughout the meeting. During this time also share some ways which will enable both of you to work through the problems together so that it is a time of healing.

Show Respect for Your Partner and Their Views

While it is easier said than done, showing your partner that you respect them and their view is exceptionally helpful. It reveals your sincere willingness to believe the best of your partner.

In looking to show respect do not give in to your anger or speak with sarcasm. Rather approach the conversation from a place of love. If you feel like you are not able to look past your experience and truly believe the best of the person without any cynicism, then it may be wise to speak to a professionally trained counselor to mediate between the two of you and assist in this process.

Pointing Fingers Cannot Hold Hands

Can you hold your partner’s hand while pointing your finger at them, blaming them for past indiscretions? Not very comfortably. At the beginning of every loving relationship, there is no intention to keep score on wrongs. Rather relationships are about teamwork. Instead of being you versus them, it should be viewed as us versus the world.

Healthy communication is honest and open. As a light shining on a shadow dispels it, so honesty shining on a hurt brings it to light and helps it heal. Do not let your hurt sit in the dark. Bring it to light through trusting and frequent conversation.

Rules to Uproot Resentment in Relationships

If you notice resentment rising in your relationships, consider these pointers.

Introspection: Where does your resentment come from? Does it originate with your partner, or is your partner the scapegoat of resentment triggered by external factors that are unrelated to them? It is often helpful to work through questions about your family of origin, such as how you made decisions and who were significant influences in your childhood.

Acknowledge Yourself: Acceptance is the true starting point for so many factors in our lives. It is often the first step toward solving a problem. Acknowledge and accept your feelings and look at ways to directly bring to the surface the specific negative feeling you are dealing with, such as anger, distrust, and discouragement.

One way to do this is to frame a statement describing your feelings, “It seems like you take for granted that I will always clean up instead of us both cleaning up. I want us to talk about this before it becomes a barrier in our relationship.”

Speak the Truth: While it is important not to be rude or condescending, it is also important to not disregard the hurtful actions of your partner. It is perfectly possible to express your experience politely and directly. Speaking the truth may lead to a short-term conflict with your partner, but it is often healthier in the long run to have the discussion.

It is useful to be clear-minded about your version of events and how their action – or inaction – affected you and made you feel. It also helps not to label the person, but rather identify their actions that upset you. For example, “When I spoke to you and you reacted by turning up the volume of your headphones and ignoring me, I felt upset and angry.”

Accept Your Wrongs and Apologize: Because of the nature of resentment, it often accumulates as a result of misunderstandings rather than wrongful intent. If during the conversation it turns out that you have been wrong about your partner and represented them incorrectly, then apologize where required.

Admitting where you are wrong reveals strength of character. Knowing you are wrong and not doing anything about it is often what we are accusing our partners of and you do not want to add to the problem. Use this as an opportunity to model the behavior you expect of them. One way to apologize would be, “I realize now that I misunderstood your intentions. I am sorry about that.”

Look to Empathize: While it may be impossible to truly place yourself in another’s shoes think about how you would have handled things. Consider hearing the words that you delivered to your partner during times they identify as adding to their resentment of you.

If they are feeling guilty then reflect on what you have heard, perhaps with a statement like, “What I hear you saying is that you did not set out to be hurtful and that you are sorry that I was hurt by your words. How can we clear up misunderstandings quicker in the future? Carrying this hurt has made me sad and disappointed, and affected our relationship.” It is useful for both you and your partner to rectify any mistakes.

Set Yourselves Up for Success: Expectations and boundaries that are realistic will help achieve success. Be clear about your expectations of one another and expect there to be some give and take as you find a middle ground. If undone chores are an area of resentment, consider how this can be overcome, perhaps you do the chores that you both do not like together, or take turns to do them. This will prevent resentment from creeping back in should one person always complete them.

Find Healing in Forgiveness: One thing we all have in common as humans is that we all make mistakes. It is natural for us to make them. It is instinctual and we do it without trying. If your partner makes minor mistakes, practice forgiveness. They are likely doing the same for you. Serious mistakes need to be handled through a process but don’t major on the minor.

Christian Counseling on Dealing with Resentment in Relationships

If you’re looking for additional help to better understand the effects of resentment in relationships beyond this article then why not browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment? We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.