The Things Every Partner Needs After Infidelity

Whether you are starting a new relationship with someone who was betrayed by their previous partner, or whether you are trying to rebuild a relationship after infidelity, there are certain things every betrayed person needs to heal.

Recovering from infidelity is a long and complicated process where some days your partner will feel better, and other days they won’t be able to see a way past their pain. All in all, it can take between three and five years for someone to fully heal from betrayal trauma. Healing after infidelity doesn’t happen without significant, consistent, intentional effort on your part, and a willingness to risk again on theirs.

The Aftermath of Betrayal

Betrayal changes everything in a relationship, regardless of the situation that led to it. The timeline of every relationship is split in two when there has been admitted betrayal. There is everything that happened before the affair, which may or may not have been ideal, but will always feel like the better or simpler time. Then there is everything after.

Now the betrayed partner looks at everything through the lens of what happened after they discovered the truth. As far as they are concerned, most betrayed partners will feel like everything has changed.

Some relationships feel stable, healthy, and drama-free. Affairs and betrayal sting all the more for the wronged partners in these instances. It feels like their entire world and perception of safety and goodness was just shattered by a wrecking ball that came out of nowhere. It’s not unlike surviving an unforeseen apocalyptic event that changes the world. They emerge from the wreckage to evaluate the damage, finding that even doing that is an overwhelming task.

Sometimes affairs happen on the back of tension, uncertainty, and emotional distance in a relationship. Some affairs are not sexual or physical in any way, and yet they still break the boundaries of a relationship, hurting your partner and changing your relationship with them. Regardless of the nature of the affair, the result is the same: one partner made a choice, and the other partner was hurt by that choice, whether intentionally or not.

Sometimes, all that remains after infidelity is the rubble of a ruined relationship, and the cost to repair it outweighs the time and effort it will take to do so. If your partner is willing to move forward and is trying to rebuild after a betrayal, it pays to know some things as you move forward together.

Things To Avoid Saying and Doing After Infidelity

When wounded by an unjust situation like infidelity, some people tend to hold onto the wound and brood over it, unwilling to forgive and let it go. They might feel morally superior to their cheating partner and relish the feeling they get from being on the high ground in the relationship.

If you attempt to rationalize their behavior or accuse them of anything like cruelty or bitterness, you will likely only cause more harm and damage. Avoid being defensive, sarcastic, or fighting fire with fire.

Avoid telling them to “let it go” or suggesting that they simply try to move on. Most people in these situations would love to do just that, but it’s not so simple. Similarly, when you say things like, “Nothing happened” or “It was meaningless,” you are minimizing their experience and reducing the quality of the relationship you built together.

The infidelity wasn’t nothing because they were clearly hurt by the event. And saying “it was meaningless” is the same as saying your relationship was meaningless, seeing as you hurt your partner by doing something you considered trivial.

Lastly, avoid trying to spread or share the blame. Implying that you only cheated because of something your partner did or didn’t do is not fair because they didn’t choose to violate the boundaries of the relationship. Infidelity is a choice, even when you regret it afterward.

The Things Every Partner Needs After Infidelity

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is difficult, but not impossible. If an affair is the earthquake that turns a relationship into rubble, then the rebuilding will be a long process of intentional actions, clearing rubble and placing one brick carefully upon another.

One of the most important things you can do for your partner in the rebuilding process is to consider what they need for the relationship to be mended. Every person is unique, but here are some of the most common things partners need after infidelity:

To have their emotions acknowledged and validated

Betrayal trauma is complex. It often triggers other similar traumas, like abandonment issues, grief over having to let go of certain dreams and hopes, and issues around low self-esteem. If you were the party that caused the harm, it might be difficult to constantly admit to your fault, but this issue is no longer about you. Healing comes when you pay attention to, take note of, and validate their emotions.

Patience with the process

Anyone dealing with the aftermath of an affair will go through a messy process of anger, fear, doubt, and a host of other deep emotions. Healing is never a linear process, and there will be some days that are better than others. Your partner needs you to show up without being asked to. Trust is earned back little by little through steady, measurable acts of devotion.

Actions that match words

The best thing you can do for your partner as they’re healing from betrayal is to be consistent with your commitments. Prove to them that you are trustworthy by following through on your promises. If you feel like you can’t commit to something, don’t promise it.

Open and honest communication

Healthy relationships thrive on a balanced mix of openness and personal space. Ordinarily, it would be perfectly okay to keep some thoughts and feelings to yourself. However, after infidelity, even the smallest amount of reserve can feel like secrecy or even dishonesty.

Partners who are healing from betrayal trauma need an extra level of openness and honesty that would be overkill in other circumstances. You need to eliminate any doubt by overcommunicating and being more open than usual.

Gentleness and warmth

They aren’t choosing to stay in emotional turmoil. Even when they want to let go of past events and move on to a new beginning in the relationship, chances are their nervous system is keeping them in a state of lockdown for their own safety. Mentally, they might be longing to rekindle the physical relationship, or simply show you that they still love you, but it’s as if they are frozen.

This response is a natural defense mechanism, and there is nothing you can do to bypass it, except to prove that you are not a threat. Be patient, don’t push or challenge them, and practice being warm and gentle as a default, especially during confrontations or emotionally charged conversations.

Moving Forward After Infidelity

There is a future for each partner in a relationship affected by infidelity, although it might not look like what you expected. Whether you ultimately end up starting over with someone new or try to salvage a home out of the wreckage, life does not end with betrayal.

It might be the hardest chapter of your lives, and you might see the worst of each other for a few seasons, but it is possible to heal things and emerge as a stronger, more empathetic person than you were before. There is hope after infidelity, but it takes effort, intentionality, and honesty.

You may be the one who made bad choices that impacted your relationship, or you may have been on the receiving end of those choices. Either way, you might feel stuck, broken, and in need of support. Counseling could help you get unstuck and see where and how to move forward. Counselors offer empathetic, non-judgmental support and a much-needed perspective on the situation. Contact us if you would like to explore counseling as a next step.