Losing Yourself: What Does It Mean to Be Codependent?

The word codependency has had many definitions throughout the years. The term was coined in the 1970s to describe a person whose life was directly affected by someone who struggled with chemical dependency; it described a person who had an unhealthy way of coping with life in response to someone else’s use of alcohol or drugs (Beattie, 2022). Yet, the most recent definition encompasses a broader range of characteristics and behaviors.

Today, codependency can be defined as a relationship dynamic in which a person becomes overly reliant on another for their emotional and psychological well-being, and it may manifest itself as caretaking or feeling deeply responsible for another person. It can also be defined as a “relationship addiction.”

A codependent relationship involves a person who takes on the role of a caretaker and another who is in need. This may be present in romantic relationships, relationships with family members, and even friends. Our focus will be on the person who is perceived as the caretaker. If you resonate with this, keep reading.

Am I codependent?

A codependent person is characterized by low self-esteem, fear of rejection/abandonment, being controlled by the approval of others, difficulty setting boundaries, anxiety, focusing all their energy on others, fearing the loss of control, ignoring problems, and becoming overly attached to others.

These are only a few of the characteristics of a codependent, but the list goes on. At the root, codependency is tied to low self-worth and a need for control that may manifest itself in a variety of ways.

According to Melody Beattie (2022), a leading researcher on codependency, you may struggle with codependency if you:

Feel responsible for others’ feelings, thoughts, and well-being This may look like helping another person solve a problem, but taking most of the load on yourself. You may also find yourself saying yes to things when you would rather say no, or doing things for others that they should be doing themselves.

Operate from a place of self-blame This may manifest itself as being overly critical of yourself and feeling like you’re not good enough. You may take things personally and be called sensitive by those around you. You may fear making mistakes, and you beat yourself up when you do.

Repress your own thoughts and feelings You may be too afraid to let yourself be who you really are, and as a result, you may appear too rigid or controlled.

Feel anxious about other people and their problems You may be losing sleep over other people’s problems, worrying about everything, and abandoning your own plans because you’re upset about what someone did or a situation you can’t control.

Try to control events or people You may think that you know what’s best for others, have difficulty letting things play out naturally, and get frustrated or angry when things don’t go your way.

Ignore problems You may use busyness as a means to avoid thinking about your own problems or pretend that they aren’t happening.

Look for happiness outside of yourself  This may look like latching on to anyone that you believe will bring you happiness, desperately seeking love and approval, seeking love from people that are incapable of loving you, equating love with pain, and trying to prove you’re worthy of love.

Have weak boundaries You may tolerate abuse and allow others to hurt you. You may complain about it, but then allow it to continue out of fear of losing the person.

Lack trust in yourself  You may not trust yourself, your feelings, or your own ability to make decisions.

Seem dependable to those around you Although codependent behaviors are deeply rooted in fear and insecurity, people may perceive you as reliable and trustworthy because of your high capacity to show up for others. What they don’t see is the stress, anxiety, and frustration that follow.

Family Dysfunction

You may be asking yourself how a person becomes codependent. A common characteristic of codependency comes from being in a family where there is dysfunction (Beattie, 2022). Dysfunctional families often avoid discussing problems, reject the expression of feelings, lack honest communication, and deny any attempts at growth or change (Beattie, 2022).

Often, these unspoken rules are established in a family if someone is suffering from substance use, mental illness, or various other conditions that require care-taking. As a result, other family members will suppress their own needs or emotions to meet the needs of the person who requires the caretaking.

As this pattern continues, the other family members learn to diminish their own needs, which eventually leads to self-abandonment and neglect. It may also be present in families where there is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

This pattern of self-abandonment tends to be established early on and continues to adulthood, and it often happens when there is premature responsibility placed on a child. For example, a child may be expected to provide emotional support for their parent or sibling, they may be tasked with household responsibilities outside of occasional chores, or they may even have to take on other adult roles because their parents are unable to.

In response, the child’s worth and identity come from meeting the needs of others, and their value is linked to their helpfulness and self-sacrifice. They may begin to internalize the belief that they are only worthy of love when they take care of others, and they become hyper-attuned to everyone else’s needs/moods while ignoring their own.

This belief system makes it difficult for them to set boundaries and may lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety when they do focus on themselves.

How To Recover From Codependency

As the title of this article suggests, codependency is rooted in the loss of self. This often begins in childhood, and the pattern of behavior continues to manifest itself into adulthood. To begin the recovery process, you must first look at your early childhood experiences and connect them to your current behaviors.

Were you a victim of abuse? Did you have a parentified role in your home? Did you grow up in a home with a person who abused alcohol or drugs? Were there people in your home who seemed emotionally or mentally unstable? If so, that’s a good place to start.

Next, codependents are often detached from themselves and their needs. Because of this, a person who struggles with codependency will need to learn to accept their own feelings, needs, and desires. You can begin this process by journaling or engaging in other tasks that may help in developing greater self-awareness.

In addition, learn how to set healthy boundaries with others by saying no and communicating those boundaries effectively. Feelings of guilt and anxiety are to be expected the first few times you set a boundary, but as you continue to grow in this skill, it will become less challenging, and you will reap the benefits of meeting your own needs.

Lastly, learn to show up for yourself. Take small steps toward independence, and challenge the negative thoughts that are rooted in shame, guilt, and low self-worth. Ultimately, taking these steps will empower you to choose a different life for yourself – one that is filled with purpose, identity, and joy.

Next Steps

Recovering from codependency may seem daunting, and you may not know where to begin. Seeking professional support may help you on your journey to recovery. By coming alongside a therapist, you can begin the journey of rediscovering yourself and identifying your self-defeating patterns.

You don’t have to do it alone. If you’re looking for a therapist to partner alongside you as you work through codependency, contact our offices. Together, we can work toward effective change using a faith-based approach. Remember, you don’t have to settle for being needed; you deserve to be loved.