How to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship

Human beings have been created and hardwired for social connection. God, in his wisdom, created us to reflect something of his nature. That means that we desire meaningful relationships with others in which we give of ourselves to one another.

The ability and desire to connect with others is one of our core fundamental needs. To fulfill it we seek out and enter into relationships with other people, whether they are friendships, romantic relationships, or the natural connections we have through family bonds. We might desire emotional intimacy in our relationships, but it isn’t always easy to cultivate it.

What is emotional intimacy and does it matter?

We all want to have the experience of sharing ourselves with someone and getting to know another person’s inner world. We desire to love someone and know what it means to be loved in turn. We hope to be known and to know another person deeply.

Essentially, that is what emotional intimacy is – the close bond that two people who feel secure and safe with one another share. It is the feeling of closeness and connection with another person, where both people feel known, seen, understood, and heard.

Forming a meaningful emotional connection with someone requires great communication skills, empathy, deep levels of trust, and vulnerability. If you want to be known, you have to let the other person in. That can be scary for a number of reasons.

It is possible to confuse emotional intimacy with other, more harmful habits that can mark a relationship. For instance, in a codependent relationship, because the two people in that relationship don’t maintain good boundaries and blur where one person’s emotions, needs, and thoughts end and where the other’s begin, it can be confused with healthy relationships and emotional intimacy.

There are also situations where people unburden themselves onto others to garner pity or induce guilt in the other person. That, too, is not emotional intimacy. Real emotional intimacy is built on a foundation of mutual and equal vulnerability, communication, and trust.

It helps to know the difference between real emotional intimacy and the counterfeits. If your interactions in a relationship leave you feeling unfulfilled, misunderstood, unheard, unsafe, apprehensive, and unacknowledged, that’s a good sign that there is poor or no emotional intimacy there. This can be the case in romantic relationships like marriage, but emotional intimacy can also take place in the context of a friendship.

Emotional intimacy among friends looks like sharing what is going on in your lives and feeling supported as you work through difficult things. Emotional intimacy will look different in each relationship, but it typically shows up as a feeling that your knowledge of each other goes beneath the surface. Having shared jokes, the ability to laugh together, feel safe, and trust in one another is also part of emotional intimacy. Ultimately, you can share yourselves with each other.

What hinders emotional intimacy?

Having emotional intimacy requires the people in the relationship to relate to one another in certain ways that cultivate trust. It allows them to remain open toward one another. Emotional intimacy can be fragile and difficult to develop, and because of this, some relationships flounder. Below are a few of the ways in which emotional intimacy may be hindered or stifled.

If you were raised to hide your thoughts and emotions or to not be vulnerable, emotional intimacy may be difficult for you. If you can’t let other people into your world, they may find it hard to know you. They may be reluctant to be known by you if you have no intention of reciprocating their openness and vulnerability.

If there has been a betrayal of trust in the relationship, that can hinder emotional intimacy. There are times when a friend or spouse betrays confidence, or in the case of a romantic relationship, someone has an affair. While that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship, it certainly can shatter emotional intimacy and the sense of trust that had been cultivated in the relationship. It is difficult to be vulnerable with someone when you’re not sure whether you still trust them.

Similar to the point above, in situations of chronic conflict, it is difficult to put down your “weapons” long enough to do the work of building trust and a connection with one another. In situations where conflict is the norm, it’s hard to trust and be open when you are primed and ready to see everything they say or do as negative and motivated by the desire to hurt you in some way.

When ongoing conflict and negative feelings about the other person are the main features of the relationship, it is also likely that you won’t enjoy spending time with each other, nor will you go beyond that to build emotional intimacy.

Being judged and not feeling safe also inhibits emotional intimacy. When you share something of yourself and you feel judged or unsafe in some way, that can undermine emotional intimacy. When you are vulnerable and that is met with apparent hostility, it’s unlikely you’ll be willing to expose yourself to that hurt again.

Not having time for one another is going to thwart any attempt at intimacy. To build a connection with someone, it takes time and effort to get there. If one or both of you are busy and don’t have time for one another, that can limit the opportunities to forge those connections and learn to trust each other.

Often, people trust those they have been through thick and thin with, and if you haven’t spent enough time with each other to build that rapport and to bank those shared experiences. Even for those people who have built trust over the years, emotional intimacy can diminish if they don’t continue to make a time investment in their relationship.

Cultivating Emotional Intimacy

There are several ways to work on cultivating emotional intimacy and overcoming challenges that stem from a lost or unhealthy emotional connection with another person.

Be an engaged listener, and care about them

The bedrock of building trust and a connection with another person is good communication. To do that well, you need to be an effective listener, the kind of person who hears the other person, and leaves the other person feeling heard.

This helps you to act on what you’ve heard and move to meet their needs in ways that fulfill those expressed needs. When you listen with presence and compassion, actively checking in on them, respecting their opinions, and generally putting in the effort to care about them, it makes a difference.

Create space to connect

We are busy people, and often our being busy is visible in how little time we have even for the things and people that matter to us. There are several things to consider, including improving the quality of your interactions by silencing your electronics when you are together.

Emotional connection is not just about the amount of time you spend together, but the quality of that time together. Consider carefully if watching television together helps you connect at the deep level necessary to maintain and cultivate emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Perhaps consider how to have uninterrupted time together and create routines that allow you to connect meaningfully.

You can decide to have a weekly date to check in with one another, share a cup of tea after the kids are in bed, or listen to music together while you’re making dinner. You can also use your time together to reminisce on delightful memories you’ve shared.

Not only is it helpful to have time to connect, but it’s important that the emotional space you create is safe and you are both emotionally available to one another. Consider what makes the other person feel safe, loved, and valued. Lean into that, recognizing that vulnerability and forging emotional connection takes time, so it is wise not to rush the process.

Shake things up

Routines are great and can help you keep the fires burning. However, there is value in shaking things up a bit, leaving your comfort zone, and doing things differently. Trying new activities can refresh your relationship and give you new, exciting memories together, leaving well-worn habits and scripted ways of relating to each other. You may also consider taking up marriage enrichment courses or activities that are focused on building emotional intimacy.

Get the help you need

If your relationship has hit a roadblock, and emotional intimacy in the relationship is under threat, you should consider seeking help from a family therapist who can help you resolve the issues in the relationship.

Restoring Emotional Intimacy

When trust has been broken and the other person doesn’t want to be vulnerable with or trust you again, there is little you can do. When emotional intimacy is under threat, both parties must be willing to rebuild it. That rebuilding process will require accountability for hurtful actions and apologies.

A breach of trust changes how people relate to one another, and you should realize that the relationship might not be the same again if trust has been broken. However, if you are willing to set aside the behaviors that undermined trust in the relationship, that can set the relationship on the right footing. It may take time to get things back to the same level of emotional intimacy, but it is possible to restore emotional intimacy.

If you are struggling with building relationships with emotional intimacy, it might be time to seek out counseling. Call our office today at Seattle Christian Counseling and we will guide you through the process. Our reception team would be happy to help you schedule an appointment with me or one of the other qualified Christian therapists in our office. We would be honored to help you on your journey toward emotional intimacy.