Holding Space for Emotions in Grief

No one truly knows how to navigate grief or what constitutes “normal” grief. It is a process that goes on for longer than we would guess and often involves more emotional twists and turns than we would have thought possible. It is common for people to feel unexpected combinations of emotions as they grieve, such as sadness and joy, relief and guilt, and love and anger.

It’s not as if anyone asks to feel these emotions; they float to the surface and demand our attention. It’s not always easy to know what to do with them or how to process them, but we can learn to hold space for these emotions. We can learn something important about ourselves and the nature of grief in the process.

Good, bad, or neutral?

Many people believe that certain emotions are “good” or positive, and there is no issue in feeling them, while other emotions are deemed “bad” or problematic. For example, feeling joy is seen as positive, but expressing too much excitement or exuberance can be negative or inappropriate, depending on the context and the company you are in.

Some emotions, like anger, outrage, despondency, or disappointment, are almost always thought of as harmful and never encouraged. It is almost never acceptable to express these types of emotions. As a result, we don’t often know what to do with them as they appear.

Cultural norms can cause us to repress certain emotions or restrain ourselves from expressing them. Some people grow up in families that are more stoic and conservative about emotions. As a result, they grow up uncertain of when and how to deal with the things they feel. Some feelings are like giant beach balls: it doesn’t matter how hard you try to submerge them, they always come popping up to the surface.

From a psychological point of view, all emotions are neutral and helpful indicators of what is happening inside us. Almost everything we feel is connected to some unseen process that takes place in our souls and our body’s cells. In their simplest form, emotions are the effects of chemical reactions happening in our nervous system.

What ultimately matters is what we do with our emotions. In other words, it’s not helpful to categorize emotions as good or bad but to observe them and try to gain understanding from them.

The Great Turnaround

Some people experience a wide range of emotions almost daily. They might find everyday things triggering and become emotional while watching a commercial on television or seeing an elderly couple holding hands in the park. Other people live more in their intellect, hardly ever expressing their feelings and keeping their thoughts to themselves.

However, grief is like a whirlwind, causing chaos, turning the most emotional people silent and causing the most unfeeling people to become nervous wrecks. It is alarming to have such unexpected responses in grief and to feel so out of control of our emotions.

There might be a plausible explanation for what we are feeling or failing to feel, such as being physically exhausted or burned out. There are many practical administrative tasks to do in grief, and it often feels like we don’t have the time or space to process the loss. When we have been struggling to sleep, neglecting our diet, or adjusting to a different living situation in grief, we are more likely to have emotional experiences we’ve never had before.

Self-described “criers” might find themselves closed off and disconnected, while reserved people might find that their emotions are constantly close to the surface, ready to erupt. People commonly admit to feeling unusual combinations of emotions in grief, too. It’s not uncommon to well up with sadness at the thought of your lost loved one, only to remember something funny and become lost in laughter as you remember something unique about them.

People often feel angry or bitter in grief, which can lead to guilt, frustration, or regret for not addressing a particular issue when the person was alive. The point is that grief is often such a powerful and unpredictable experience that we can start to have entirely new and uncomfortable experiences. In addition to the practical aspects of grief, the emotional turmoil we face can be overwhelming or awkward at best.

We listen, and we don’t judge

One of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves in grief is to have grace. Some people have no issue being patient with others but struggle to aim that kindness toward themselves. Whether you have lost someone before or if this is your first time navigating grief, you are essentially having an entirely new experience that no one could have prepared you for.

You are doing the best you can with what you have, and there is no measure for getting it right or doing things wrong. Obviously, there are harmful habits you can form as you try to cope with grief, but even those might be avoided if you give yourself some grace.

Emotions are helpful indicators of what is happening in our souls. Just as a weathervane shows the direction the wind is blowing or a weather balloon gives scientists information about the atmosphere, emotions reveal what is going on inside of us if we take the time to observe.

For example, people tend to feel anger over matters of injustice. Regardless of how much we loved the one who passed away, they might have left wounds that now cannot be healed by them. Anger is a logical response to a situation like this.

We call this process “holding space” for our emotions. You can think of your feelings like guests coming to visit you. Some might be unruly and make you uncomfortable; others might show up announced and stay longer than you would like, but none will harm you. Unfortunately, they won’t go away if you ignore them, and some will genuinely help you if you let them.

If you remain curious about your emotions and hold space for them as long as they’re visiting you, you might even find that you become closely acquainted with them. This may make it a less jarring experience the next time they visit you.

How to Hold Space for Your Emotions

One of the things many people struggle with as they start acknowledging their emotions is just what to do with them. Just as when a stranger visits and you’re under pressure to entertain them, you might not know what to do with certain emotions.

Some emotions, like anger, frustration, and rage, are highly kinetic. This means that you will feel less uncomfortable with them if you channel them into a physical activity, like going for a run, doing a workout, or digging into the garden. You can channel even the most savage kinds of energy into these activities and feel better doing so.

Other emotions are more passive and gentler. They require you to be more contemplative with them. Sadness, regret, yearning, or guilt might be best expressed in writing or art. You don’t have to be creative or skilled to express these things, and the goal isn’t to display your efforts anywhere. However, you might find that you hold space better with emotions like these if you find a way of expressing them verbally or visually.

If you are struggling to cope with any aspect of grief, it is not a failure on your part. Many people feel as if they need help as they grieve, whether it is to understand their emotions or figure out how to get unstuck. There are many options for support, from counseling to group therapy. We invite you to contact us to find your preferred type of help. Please get in touch with us for more information.