Depression After a Breakup: Tips for Finding Yourself Again

Feeling down after a breakup is a typical emotion. You invested time and energy into a relationship that did not work out. But some breakups hit harder than others. After a breakup, you may go through the stages of grief: shock (denial), anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Many of us get stuck in the depression stage of the process. This pervasive sadness steals our motivation and stops us from living life. However, depression after a breakup is not the end, only another phase in the journey to finding yourself again.

Why do breakups hit so hard?

A breakup is a loss, whether the end of a marriage or another type of relationship. As with any loss, you may go through a period of grief, and grieving can open the door to depression, anxiety, fear, and panic.

If children are involved in the dissolution of the relationship, you may find yourself in the company of your ex more often than you would like. This can trigger more feelings of hurt, betrayal, or guilt. Similarly, if the two of you work together or belong to the same organization, seeing each other is inevitable.

Breakups are hard because it signals the end of something, most likely an expectation of how you believe the relationship should have been; it is the death of a dream. You can heal from this loss, but it takes time.

Symptoms of depression.

Symptoms for depression after a breakup are the same as any other depression disorder. The symptoms may become more severe if you have a history of depression.

• Loss of interest in hobbies or activities once enjoyed.
• Isolation.
• Changes in appetite.
• Changes in sleep patterns.
• Rapid weight loss or gain.
• Constant sadness.
• Fatigue or tiredness.
• Irritability or anger.
• Inability to focus.
• Slowness in movements and activities.
• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

If you have thoughts of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, reach out for help immediately.

Tips for finding yourself again.

When we invest our time, energy, and emotions in a relationship, it makes the breakup much harder. We can lose ourselves in a relationship, and when it ends, we find ourselves adrift, lost to the memory of who we are.

Maybe you have never had an inkling of who you truly are. Perhaps that relationship in your mind defined you: as a wife, girlfriend, husband, or boyfriend. But we are more than the roles that we assume. Each of us is integral to the whole of humankind. Each of us has our unique talents, skills, and voice. Get excited; a whole new world is opening for you. You need to uncover the God-created person inside.

Go outside.

Depression after a breakup keeps us isolated and alone. We do not feel like leaving our beds, let alone taking a walk. Yet, action begets action. “Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional, and mental states.” (Carol Welch)

Walking in the sunshine and fresh air works wonders in lifting mood and improving health. According to the American Psychological Association, spending time outdoors (in green spaces) can also boost cognitive abilities and lower the risk of mental disorders.

Try to spend some time outdoors every day. Take a walk in your neighborhood or at a local park. Relax in your yard, balcony, or patio. Even 15 minutes spent on a screened-in porch can help as you breathe in the fresh air and listen to nature’s sounds. Allow yourself to enjoy nature and its pace.

List your positive attributes.

You are in a vulnerable state after a breakup. Do you have negative thoughts? Are you having demeaning thoughts about yourself? For example, did your soon-to-be former spouse have an affair? Are you blaming yourself, thinking, “If only I were handsome, pretty, smart, etc.?” Or are you thinking something far meaner like, “I’m stupid for not seeing through him earlier,” or “Why am I so gullible? No one will ever love me.”

Instead of treating yourself like a victim (and the bully), list your positive attributes. What are the things you love about yourself? Include physical and non-physical traits. For example, maybe you write down that you love your ability to persevere, your eyes, your physical strength, and your wittiness.

Often, we choose traits that we see as flaws and weaknesses. This can leave us discontent if we focus only on these perceived flaws. Choose to celebrate what makes you unique.

Think a happy thought.

Remember when Peter Pan could fly as long as he filled his mind with happy thoughts? We may not be able to fly on happy thoughts alone, but we can choose to focus our energy on a happy memory instead of on a past mistake, regret, or trauma.

When your mind dwells on the negative, feelings of sadness, guilt, and shame follow. If we can learn how to shift those thoughts from negative into happy memories, our emotions will follow a different path.

For example, think of a time when you were truly happy and full of joy. Was it when your loved one came back from deployment? Was it when your baby was born? When you think about a sad memory or anxiety-induced worry, think about that positive, happy memory instead. Allow yourself to feel the happiness, the joy from that moment.

Socialize face to face.

Researchers have shown that teens and young adults spending more time on social media are more likely to experience depression. Social media also plays a role in disruptive sleep. When you are sleep-deprived, you can develop mood swings, irritability, problems concentrating, and decreased energy.

If you have not socialized for a while or facing people feels too challenging, start with small meetups. Perhaps invite a friend out for coffee one day this week or schedule to attend an event at the beginning of each month. Ask someone to be your accountability partner to help you take the first step.

Set goals and work toward them.

Having something to look forward to can get you up in the morning and provide the motivation you need to start. By setting goals and then breaking those larger goals into tasks, you can focus your mind on something much more significant than your worries or fears.

In essence, you are shifting your focus from the thoughts that bring depression to a goal that will move you forward. Some people find goal-setting a considerable endeavor and instead work on the tasks necessary to achieve the goal.

For example, you want to write the rough draft of a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. This can seem impossible, so instead of focusing on the 50,000 words, break the goal into smaller tasks. You could focus on writing 1,667 words per day. It is the same number of words by the end of the 30 days, but the new task goal seems more doable.

You can apply this strategy to any goal. Do you need to lose 30 pounds for better health? Focus on something other than the 30 pounds. Instead, set a goal to lose around two and a half pounds a month for one year.

Once you have set the smaller task goal, brainstorm the tasks that will help you reach that goal. That could be eating within a specific calorie range daily and exercising five to six days a week. Break down your goals until you can believably achieve them.

Need help with depression after a breakup?

Depression after a breakup can be challenging to overcome. You think you are doing better, and then you run across a trigger like passing your ex on the street or boxing up old photos. If you struggle with depression or another mental condition, this phase can last much longer or lead to other issues like anxiety or panic attacks.

If you struggle with depression after a breakup, contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a counselor. We would love to help you find yourself again.